When I Think God Says Wait

I love Holley's blog posts. I really do. They're so insightful, affirming and encouraging. I've found them to speak lovingly and powerfully into my life many times.

This week, Holley has a few questions for us to answer: What part of your dream feels the riskiest? Have you ever had people misunderstand or disagree with your dream? What do you do when your dream is scary or when others don’t support you?

There are two parts to my dream, which is to write. One is to start a blog, which I have done and which I hope to continue. The other is to write and publish a book about my journey.

For me, the riskiest part about my dream so far is the fear of being judged when I tell my story. Not just for me, but also for my family because this is their story, too. I will need to make sure they are comfortable with the contents of the manuscript before it can be turned into a book. My present draft has failed to meet this main criterion, so I've got to do more work on it.

Letting my son go had been made doubly hard by the fact that the act of doing so had caused the resurfacing of previous trauma that I had experienced in my early childhood. I thought I had dealt sufficiently with the trauma in the past, but apparently there were deeper layers (like the proverbial onion) to be worked through and healed. Friends who didn't completely understand what I was going through tried to help me heal from my grief according to their time frame rather than mine. As a result, I've found it simpler to withdraw into my own little world where God is my confidant, counsellor, and comforter.

Deep within me, however, is the desire to tell my story. Not to blame the people who have wounded me, misjudged me, or rejected me, but as a monument of the steps I am taking towards owning all that had happened to me in my life, and choosing to see every adversity as an opportunity for God to bring good out of each situation. In the small, limited ways that I am able to, I want to contribute and to make a difference.

Like Paul, it is my goal to be able to say at the end of the day: "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." (2 Tim 4:7). And to hear God say in return: "...Well done, good and faithful servant.... Enter into the joy of your Lord." (Matt 25:21)

Maybe my dream of producing such a book is meant to be tested by time. Maybe God intends for me to experience greater healing before it makes its way out there. This is what I tell myself to keep the dream alive.

For now, I am grateful just to be alive. To be able to keep house for my family, and to write a post on my blog every now and then. After all that I've been through, I am grateful I'm still able to stand. And smile.......and laugh.....

To take courage and draw strength from scriptures such as the following:

"We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed."
~ 2 Cor 4:8,9 ~

"...My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness."
~ 2 Cor 12:9 ~

Maybe one day the second part of my dream will come true. When that happens, I know it will truly be by God's grace, in His time, and for His glory.

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