When I Think God Says Wait

I love Holley's blog posts. I really do. They're so insightful, affirming and encouraging. I've found them to speak lovingly and powerfully into my life many times.

This week, Holley has a few questions for us to answer: What part of your dream feels the riskiest? Have you ever had people misunderstand or disagree with your dream? What do you do when your dream is scary or when others don’t support you?

There are two parts to my dream, which is to write. One is to start a blog, which I have done and which I hope to continue. The other is to write and publish a book about my journey.

For me, the riskiest part about my dream so far is the fear of being judged when I tell my story. Not just for me, but also for my family because this is their story, too. I will need to make sure they are comfortable with the contents of the manuscript before it can be turned into a book. My present draft has failed to meet this main criterion, so I've got to do more work on it.

Letting my son go had been made doubly hard by the fact that the act of doing so had caused the resurfacing of previous trauma that I had experienced in my early childhood. I thought I had dealt sufficiently with the trauma in the past, but apparently there were deeper layers (like the proverbial onion) to be worked through and healed. Friends who didn't completely understand what I was going through tried to help me heal from my grief according to their time frame rather than mine. As a result, I've found it simpler to withdraw into my own little world where God is my confidant, counsellor, and comforter.

Deep within me, however, is the desire to tell my story. Not to blame the people who have wounded me, misjudged me, or rejected me, but as a monument of the steps I am taking towards owning all that had happened to me in my life, and choosing to see every adversity as an opportunity for God to bring good out of each situation. In the small, limited ways that I am able to, I want to contribute and to make a difference.

Like Paul, it is my goal to be able to say at the end of the day: "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." (2 Tim 4:7). And to hear God say in return: "...Well done, good and faithful servant.... Enter into the joy of your Lord." (Matt 25:21)

Maybe my dream of producing such a book is meant to be tested by time. Maybe God intends for me to experience greater healing before it makes its way out there. This is what I tell myself to keep the dream alive.

For now, I am grateful just to be alive. To be able to keep house for my family, and to write a post on my blog every now and then. After all that I've been through, I am grateful I'm still able to stand. And smile.......and laugh.....

To take courage and draw strength from scriptures such as the following:

"We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed."
~ 2 Cor 4:8,9 ~

"...My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness."
~ 2 Cor 12:9 ~

Maybe one day the second part of my dream will come true. When that happens, I know it will truly be by God's grace, in His time, and for His glory.

Linking up with:

Victims Of Circumstances

Yesterday, I read a powerful and encouraging blog written by one of the contributing bloggers on not-alone-parents. Greg Lucas wrote about the murder-suicide incident involving a mother and her adult autistic son that happened last year in San Jose, CA.

Overcome by the overwhelming challenge of caring for her 22 year-old son, Elizabeth Hodgins was finally driven to shoot George to death before turning the gun on herself.

Reading about this story reminded me of a similar incident that happened more than a decade ago here in NZ. In 1997, Janine Albury-Thomson strangled her 17-year old autistic daughter to death after she tried unsuccessfully to get Casey to jump off a bridge.

There were other killings of children with disabilities all around the world, including 6 year-old Charles Blais in Canada, 4 year-old Daniel Corby in San Diego, and 12 year-old Ajit Singh in the UK.

Such stories of devastation and horror bring on a myriad of emotions among people worldwide. There are those that sympathize with the mothers who were driven to such a state of desperation as to commit the unthinkable; those that totally oppose mercy killing; and those in between.

Being mum to an autistic teenager, I'm one of those who have had the opportunity to experience first-hand the bittersweet challenges of parenting a child with special needs. There is joy in caring for a child whose childish innocence remains untainted throughout his growing up years. Joseph's delightful smiles and contagious laughter were what kept me going when I didn't think I could make it through yet another day. However, words cannot accurately describe the exhaustion, fear, desperation, hopelessness, and despair that we parents of special needs children can experience.

As I read the stories of these horrific killings, my heart goes out to the families involved. These are tragedies of circumstances; senseless to some, yet completely understandable to others. Having experienced terrible guilt, heart-wrenching pain, and deep darkness after my son left home, I cannot imagine what these mothers who have killed their children went through or who may still be going through. To me, the people involved are all victims of circumstances.

It is so easy to judge others by what they do based on our own knowledge and experience. The question is whether our knowledge and experience are sufficient for us to cast the first stone (John 8:7).

Until we have worn the shoes and walked the path of the one whom we're about to cast the stone at, we'll do well to put that stone down at the feet of Jesus.

I may have walked the path of parenting a child with autism. But I have not walked the exact same path that Elizabeth Hodgins had. Or that Janine Albury-Thomson had.

A couple of years ago, a member of a life group from our church committed suicide. The incident brought on a rather heated discussion among the life group members about how this might have been prevented if they had known how depressed or desperate this person must have been feeling. There was also a comment about how this person could do such a thing.

We all need God to help us love one another as He loves us, and to extend to others the same grace that we need others to extend to us.

We need Him to give us the compassion and wisdom to encourage someone who is hurting badly.  Or to gather others to come alongside someone who is going through a horrendous time to offer support, prayer, hope, and encouragement. Or to point them to people or professionals who can help if we're unable to do anything.

Because you never know if you could be the one whom God uses to prevent the tragic loss of yet another life, be it a murder or a suicide.

Pay It Forward

A few years ago when unrelenting stress finally got the upper hand and rendered me unable to function, a lovely lady from church came alongside to walk me over the hump.

I had no idea what was happening to me, except that everything seemed insurmountable and I felt completely overwhelmed. Crying was the only thing that I seemed to be able to do with ease.

My newly-found friend explained to me that I was suffering from burnout and that I needed to go and see the doctor who would most likely prescribe some medication. She arranged for another friend to take me and recommended that I took some time away from my family so that I could rest. She understood the extra demands that having a special needs child had on me. The following week, she checked to see how I was doing and continued to do so in the ensuing weeks.

Each time we met or spoke over the phone, Chris would remind me of how much God loved me and taught me how to rest in the knowledge of that love. She patiently listened as I poured out the deep pain that was piercing my heart. There was no judgment; no condemnation. Before long, I was telling her all that my heart contained which I needed to release. Along with a listening ear, there was complete acceptance, grace, affirmation and love, with lots of prayer and encouragement. It was like encountering God in human form!

When I later told Chris how much I owed her for all that she was investing in me, all she said was: Someday you'll do the same for someone who needs it.

At the end of last year, a friend who has an autistic son rang me up late one night in a panic and asked me for help with something. Early the next morning, she rang me again in tears. Her husband was overseas and she didn't know what to do.

Having been down the road of stress and burnout, I recognized that my friend was going through the same experience. I was able to advise her what to do in the same way that Chris had done for me. I also took her to see the service provider for our sons to ask for more support during this time. Every week until her husband returned, I rang my friend to see how she was doing, encouraged her and prayed for her. Even now, as she and her husband are exploring options for full-time care for their son, my husband and I are the ones they turn to for advice and support.

The concept of paying it forward is a powerful one. I've had the privilege being a part of such an experience in two other instances. 

One was the gift of an old piano when we first set up our home in the city we now live in. When we were able to buy a newer one, we passed that piano on to another family, whom we requested to pass on to the next family if and when they bought their own. That old piano has recently been gifted to another family in our life group. It may be old but it can still make music. The gift goes on!

The second pay-it-forward gift that we received was a two-night getaway for my husband and myself. The couple who gifted that to us were themselves the recipients of a similar gift and wanted to pass it on. We had likewise paid that forward to another couple who in turn had passed it on.

Whenever we do something for others, the concept of paying it forward will help us do so without expecting anything in return from the people whom we are blessing. Somehow, the blessings will come back through other sources, and sometimes in the ways we least expect.

Most importantly, we know we are honouring the One who gave us the greatest gift in the first place - the gift of His Son who in turn gives us life and everything we need through His death and resurrection.

And when I do something that reminds me of what others have done for me, I thank God for them and say a prayer of blessing over them.

May the gift of God's love get transferred from our hearts through our words and actions to the hearts of others!

"And the King will answer and say to them, 'Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me.'"
~ Matthew 25:40 ~

Linking up with:

The Power of Encouragement

I can so relate to Holley's post entitled "Why you need to be recharged more than you realize".

In her post, Holley writes: "When Jesus in you touches someone else in a meaningful way power goes out from you too. And that is why you need rest and to be recharged more than you realize. You might have a heartfelt conversation that encourages a friend. Or you could show tenderness with one of your children that requires an extra measure of grace. Perhaps you navigate through a difficult ethical situation at work and manage to make a difference. In all of those, God’s power has gone out from you. Yet instead of realizing that we berate ourselves for feeling tired. We believe we should be able to do it all, all the time.  That’s not the way we’re created. And when we live without recognizing that power is going out from us we wind up exhausted and burned out."

Just last week, my family and I were having a discussion about the differences between extroverts and introverts. Extroverts are outgoing and bubbly as they get energized through meeting and talking to all kinds of people. They attract people everywhere they go and appear to be the more favoured personality type in Western cultures. Introverts, on the other hand, find it a challenge to be comfortable in a crowd and prefer to be with just one or two others. It can be draining for them to spend lengthy time talking to people, so having sufficient alone time to get recharged is crucial for an introvert.

Being an introvert myself, I realize there are many things that I used to do which depleted energy that didn't get sufficiently replaced. Now, I am learning to pace myself by interlacing draining activities with ones that I find pleasurable and energizing.

It is so important to develop self-awareness, to discover what makes us tick and how we function best under different circumstances, and to learn to capitalize on our strengths while drawing on God's. We can learn to accept our limitations and weaknesses without being ashamed of them by turning them into opportunities for God to work and shine through them.

God has a wonderful plan and purpose for each and everyone of us that He wants to help us fulfil. Yes, even for some of us who have become so weary that we doubt there's anything we can achieve. Or some of us who have a burning passion or have started working towards a dream and get discouraged when obstacles get in the way or when God says wait.

For those of us who struggle with insecurities, we need to look to Him for our value and worth because ours may have somehow gotten warped by past unpleasant experiences or hurtful words that have left wounds and scars.

Because no matter what you may think about yourself, God sees you as His beautiful creation with a wealth of giftings, talents, and resources that your sphere of influence needs. There is no one like you or who can do what you alone can do. You reflect an aspect of God that no one else does. You have the power to show love, bring hope and touch lives. We need your uniqueness, your gifts, your input. We are not complete without you.

As you keep your eyes on God, He will help you see the beauty that He sees in you and why He believes in you.

He celebrates you for the way that He made you and longs to help make those wealth of treasures that He has laid within you shine so others can share in their beauty and glory.

You are beautiful.

You are amazing.

You are loved!

So, let's keep on keeping on, trample on our fears, and reach for the stars.

Together, we can do it!

"Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward."
~ Hebrews 10:35 ~

Linking up with:

A Night To Remember

Last Sunday night, my husband was given tickets for our family to attend a live match of the ANZ Championship 2013 between LG Mystics (Auckland team) and Central Pulse (Wellington team). These series of netball matches pit the top five regional teams from New Zealand against the top five regional teams from Australia. 

Before the event was scheduled to begin at 7pm, my husband, daughter and I were to meet the Relationship Manager of his company's bank for dinner at a restaurant-cum-bar nearby the stadium. It was a pleasure to meet our lovely hostess for the evening, Sharon, as well as her other clients.

What we had thought would be a fun and interesting evening turned out to be more than we had bargained for, with a totally unexpected twist right at the end!

We ordered our drinks at the counter and proceeded to our table to decide what we wanted to have for dinner. My husband and I both ordered the good ole Kiwi fish and chips while our daughter opted for a beef burger with chips.

As we were waiting for our meals to arrive, we chatted with Sharon and her client friend, Fiona, who both played in the same netball team. My husband nipped across to another table to meet Sharon's other client and his family.

We chatted and waited. Then we waited some more and hoped our meals would arrive soon so we could make it to the game in good time. Sharon went to make some enquiries and was asked if either my husband or I could change our order as the restaurant had run out of fish. My husband promptly changed his order to honey BBQ pork ribs and chips, bless him!

Eventually, Sharon's order made its appearance first at our table. Fiona's burger followed shortly after, and Sharon's client and his family at the other table soon received their meals. However, the three of us continued to wait.

Finally, one of the waitresses came over to us and apologised for the delay, explaining that there had been a mix-up with the orders and it would take another ten minutes or so. Furthermore, the mix-up meant that they had totally run out of the fish they usually used for fish and chips. So, I would have to settle for something that sounded like bar fish. I had no idea what to expect!

Another ten minutes of waiting meant we wouldn't have enough time to eat if we wanted to be in time for the game. By now, we had waited a full hour and the others had all finished their meals. So we asked for our food to be packed to go. Hopefully, the stadium would allow us to bring in outside food.

I looked thoughtfully at my handbag and it seemed big enough to accommodate the food if the restaurant could pack it in small containers and put them inside a plastic bag to prevent any spillage. Maybe we could sneak the food in at the entrance.

Alas, the containers were BIG! I might be able to fit one and a half of them in my handbag, if that was possible. And believe it or not, the restaurant didn't have plastic bags! Not a single one! Neither could they provide us with plastic cutlery. At best, we could borrow their real cutlery which we would need to return later.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing - the restaurant had neither plastic bags nor takeaway cutlery! It was hard to remain calm when we were racing against time. I almost felt sorry for the flustered waitress who was trying to apologise. I said almost. It was a good thing Sharon was handling the whole situation because I wasn't sure if I could have handled it as professionally as she did.

When we stepped out of the restaurant to start our five-minute walk to the stadium, it was beginning to rain again. Upon reaching the stadium under our rain jackets and umbrellas and with our containers of food in full view, we were told at the entrance that we could not take commercial food inside and had to either leave it in our vehicle or eat it before going in.

The former wasn't an option as our car was parked back at the restaurant. Besides, we were ravenous by now! So, we sat ourselves down on a dry spot next to the entrance and tried to wolf down our dinner, pretending that no one could see us while they were queueing up to go in. The bar fish or whatever it was, was a real disappointment. It was rubbery and had a strange taste. However, I didn't have time to mull over it as I was concentrating on trying to chew as fast as I could.

At one stage, Sharon came to check on us. I was aghast to realise that she and Fiona had been waiting for us at the entrance while we were having our dinner! I thought my husband had told them to go in first so they wouldn't miss the game.

Regretfully I closed the lid on the rest of my chips, binned it and hurried inside the stadium with the others. We went up the stairs and passed one block of seating after another in search of a row of five empty seats. Spotting lots of vacant seats at the second-to-last block, we settled down to watch the game that had already begun.

The game proved to be really exciting. Even though Central Pulse appeared to be the stronger team and was ahead by an average margin of five points, LG Mystics somehow managed to close the gap till extra time was called to decide the draw. It was a nail-biting neck and neck race between the two teams throughout the entire extra time of fourteen minutes. The crowd roared and cheered wildly when Mystics finally won by 69-68! A mere one point; its first win of the season!

It was an unbelievable victory for the Mystics! But the highlight of the evening for us had yet to come.

It was Sharon who spotted him first.

Standing in the vacant last block of seats next to ours together with a couple of people was Piri Weepu, one of the rugby players for the NZ All Blacks. Weepu agreed to a photograph when Sharon approached him and my daughter joined them for the unexpected and once-in-a-lifetime snapshot. Well, two, to be exact, but one of them didn't turn out well.

Despite the frustrating start with the dinner, it had turned out to be an exciting and incredible evening with my family and new friends.

An interesting and memorable break from doing anything related to pursuing my God-sized dreams while I watched others pursue theirs.

And a good reminder that when we make the best of a less-than-ideal situation, sometimes there's an unexpected bonus at the end!

Linking up with:

Leaning In To Hear Him

I love my alone time with God. Time when I bask in His presence and let His love refresh and rejuvenate me as I discover the joy of yielding to Him. I especially love it when I receive some nuggets of insights that open my spiritual eyes and make my spirit soar. Like the time when He sat with me out on the deck and gave me His fresh manna.

As I've been trying to hear what God is speaking to my heart to write in my blog for this week, this well-known prayer known as The Serenity Prayer keeps coming back to me.

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer has been so close to my heart for the past few years that I have practically adopted it as my own! 

Trying to change the things that either cannot be changed or are not meant for me to change only brings about frustration and discouragement. The ability to accept things for what they are is key to peace being restored to my soul.

As for things I can change, oh how I need the courage to do so!

But what makes it tricky is the ability to tell if something can be changed or not. Or whether it is the time to push for things to happen or to wait. This is where I need God's wisdom. And I need His grace to help me do what I cannot do in my own strength.

For a season of time, I've been taking comfort from the following scriptures and letting God fight my battles for me:

"But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord's victory...." ~ 2 Chronicles 20:17 (NLT) ~

"'Be strong and courageous! Don't be afraid or discouraged because of the king of Assyria or his mighty army, for there is a power far greater on our side! He may have a great army, but they are merely men. We have the Lord our God to help us and to fight our battles for us!' Hezekiah's words greatly encouraged the people." 
~ 2 Chronicles 32:7,8 (NLT) ~

"When you hear the blast of the trumpet, rush to wherever it is sounding. Then our God will fight for us!" ~ Nehemiah 4:20 (NLT) ~

Knowing that God fights for me takes a huge load off my shoulders. 

Recently though, God has brought me back to the story of Moses leading the people of Israel across the Red Sea not once, but a few times. When God speaks a few times, I really need to listen!

The story is picked up in Exodus 14 where the Israelites found themselves caught between a rock and a hard place. There was the Red Sea before them and Pharaoh's army chasing them from behind. It was an impossible situation! Trying to prevent the people from panicking as they cried out to the Lord to save them, Moses told them not to be afraid but to stand still and see the salvation of God as He fought for them. However, God had one more thing for Moses to do before He miraculously saved them. He told Moses to pick up his staff and raise his hand over the sea so as to divide the water for the Israelites to cross over to the other side (verse 16).

I think God is reminding me that often times, there are things that I need to do before He can do His part. Like Moses had to stretch out his staff over the sea in order for it to part. Or that the people of Judah and Jerusalem won the battle not by fighting but by singing and praising God. Something that has to be done on our part to win the battle, but which may be different each time.

Last week while writing about the chihuahua of fear, a sense of warfare came over me and I felt liberated by addressing my fear in the way that Holley asked us to. It felt so good!

In order to know what to do and when to do it, I need to lean in to God to hear what He's saying. Because often times, He speaks through scriptures, circumstances, other people, or He whispers softly to my heart. When I don't take the time to listen, I miss it.

If I may, this then is my humble rendition of the Serenity Prayer:

God grant us the wisdom and serenity

to know what to do and when to do it;

to not rush ahead of You and trip over ourselves;

or to get stuck in our comfort zone or sense of helplessness.

Give us the ears to hear what You're saying,

and the courage to obey what we're hearing.

Give us the faith to believe You for more,

and the grace to wait when You say so!

Linking up with:

Get Ready To Roar

I like what Holley says about fear: Fear is nothing to be afraid of - it's just the door we push through to get to the other side. And we never have to be ready - only willing.
In her recently released book, Holley writes:

“Fear hangs out right next to whatever it is you’re most called to do. That means the closer you get to your calling, the louder fear sounds. Keep going–fear is a chihuahua that sounds like a Doberman.” — You’re Made for a God-sized Dream, Chapter Five

This week, our assignment is to write a letter to the chihuahua of fear in our lives. When I think of a chihuahua, immediately I see a picture in my head of Reese Witherspoon in pink with her inseparable chihuahua in a colour-matching outfit, as seen in the movies, Legally Blonde and Legally Blonde 2!

A google search on chihuahuas led me to discover that they're the smallest breed of dogs and they bark at the slightest thing, be it out of fear or excitement.

Well, my chihuahua of fear has certainly been making a lot of noises despite its size. Fear has been a huge part of my entire life. I battle it constantly, particularly so as I recover from stress and burnout. No doubt, I have played a major role in lending it more power than it has, thus making it appear larger than it actually is. It reminds me of this cartoon drawing that I once saw of a little mouse speaking through a loudspeaker behind the curtains. He got caught out when the lights came on! Ha!

So, here goes my letter....

Hey you, chihuahua of fear,

I have some things I'd like to say to you. You've been making way too much noise and I've been intimidated for far too long. Now that I can see you clearly for what you are, I'm sending you packing.

You've been lurking in the shadows and around the corners, trying to trip me up at every opportunity. You've made me believe your lies and had me literally eating out of your hands at times. Now don't start sniggering. What? Now you're rolling on the floor in belly-aching and side-splitting laughter, pounding both fists on the floor with tears streaming down your face! Why, you no-good little ........

I'm glad I found the switch to put the lights on so I can see you for what you are. You're nothing but a liar working to steal all the dreams that God has for me, kill my hopes, and destroy me totally. I mean, look at you, you're just a little thing while my God is so big!

You know what? I'm going out to buy me some ear plugs so I won't have to listen to your lies anymore. And I'm going to renew my mind with the Word of God and meditate on what He says instead.

Every day I'm going to put on the armour of God as described in Ephesians 6: the girdle of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of the gospel of peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit.

I know you're going to come knocking on my door again, but I'm going to be extra vigilant to be sure I'm not letting you in. You've managed to sneak in too many times and even wormed your way to join me at my dining table. I've fed you so much that you actually need to lose some weight! In fact, I didn't even realise that I've let you sleep over so often that you've practically moved into my basement!

Now see here, this is the door, so go! SHOO! Take your other relatives with you! And don't come back! You're not welcome here! ROAR!!!

THE WAR IS ON!

Your enemy,
Sara

My, doesn't it feel good to evict unwanted tenants! The key is not to let them in again!

"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." 
~ John 10:10 ~

"Finally, brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil." 
~ Ephesians 6:10,11 ~

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